Today I learned something I should have learned a long time ago.
You see, I've been big pretty well most of my life. Fat is nothing new to me. I'm not remotely skinny now, but I'm not nearly as large as I was.
Throughout my life I've hidden away. In childhood I hid from activities because I was too fat. I was embarrassed by my size, by my inability to do sports, by my lack of physical beauty. In my young adult years I hid from dating, from being out and around others my age because of my size. As a parent, I've hidden away from my children's activities at school and away from school for fear I wouldn't fit in the seat, or that I'd embarrass them (or myself) because of my size. I heard about other kids making fun of mine because mom is fat, and I wanted to cry.
I quit going out and about much even with hubby because I was too fat to fit into booths at restaurants, into seats in the movies and just about any other place with seating. I was embarrassed of my size.
I gave up on going out much. My sin of gluttony, my fat, my fears and embarrassment ruled.
Today, we went out as a family to a local restaurant as a treat for the kids. I dreaded the booths as I was always the one who had fat hanging over the top of the table and was basically wedged in. I was not looking forward to this adventure, I completely expected to be stuck in the booth yet again.
Today, I slid in beside my children, and I had at least 4 inches between myself and the table. For the first time in 15 years, I did not get stuck in the booth seats. I also saw myself in the mirrors, and saw myself as I currently look and SAW myself. The body image is starting to catch up to the physical body.
Tonight, I cry thinking of all the things I chose not to do, I hid away from, for embarrassment due to my weight. How much I have missed out on because I chose food first. I let my sin take away so much.
I refuse to hide away. I refuse to be embarrassed of my size. I refuse to let sin and the devil take any more of my life. My soul belongs to the Lord, but I'd let the devil get to me, tell me I'm not good enough, tell me I'm not worthy of being around others, that I'm hideous, that I'm worthless. I believed it.
If you're in this position, know that you ARE worthy! You are a child of God and no matter how you look, you are the apple of His eye! Jesus loves you no matter if you are a size 00 or a 40.
And I do too!
Shared with Darling Downs Diaries, Strangers and Pilgrims on Earth, The Modest Mom, What Joy Is Mine, Beauty in His Grip, My Joy Filled Life, Teaching What Is Good, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, So Much At Home
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