Friday, September 6, 2013
(23) The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.
(24) Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand.
(25) I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.
(26) He is ever merciful, and lendeth, and his seed is blessed.
The past weeks have been hard. So often I have felt a failure, a disappointment, complete brokenheartedness. I've wondered many times what I've missed, what I could have done differently, what else could I have tried to help my son.
Many nights, quite a few days, I've cried desperate tears of complete pain, hurt, despair for my son. The Lord hears my cries, my pleas for help for him. He knows my pain, and He holds me in His arms as the storms continually pound away and darkness seems to last forever.
Often times lately I've prayed for answers, guidance, strength, courage, peace in decisions I have no choice in making. I've begged the Lord to protect my son's heart, help him learn what he needs to function, learn how to express things without using physical aggression, help him understand cause and effect and how serious consequences can be at his age.
The days ahead, the weeks to come are expected to be the toughest I've handled in many years. I must let my 11 year old son go to a long term psychiatric facility against my wishes, due to aggression and behaviors that have hurt others. I have no choice, I must do it voluntarily or a judge will do it for me. After his stay is completed I must take him to face his charges brought about from one of his last instances of aggression. He does not understand any of it, the reason for the hospitalization, nor the charges he must face upon return. His autism and mental retardation do not allow him yet to grasp those.
I do grasp the situation, and I've had to cling fully to the Lord. There's no other option. I've questioned, cried hot tears asking Him why He is allowing this to happen, why He would let these things happen to a child who can't understand. I've begged and pleaded with Him to stop the happenings.
Each time He responds with a quiet refusal.
Each time He responds, "My grace is sufficient. Trust me."
I'll admit, that's not the answer I want. I don't want to wait. I don't want to hurt. I don't want my child hurting. It's this time I see my own selfishness, my own short comings.
So as the days pass, I will continue to trust.